It’s funny, to me at least, how our views can change over the years.
When I was a teenager, it was so very important to me to be with a girl that others, besides myself, thought was attractive.
As a young man, things shifted at bit, and what *I* thought became more important than what others thought. But, what they thought, was still important to me.
Today, it’s only what I think that’s at all important to me.
I know I’ve always cared about what was inside, how that person treated me and so on. However, in thinking back, I know I was treated the worst, by the most beautiful (visually) women, and tolerated it far longer than I should have, or would have, had they been less attractive. That's not to say I wasn't also treated well by attractive women, because I was, let me explain a little further.
This was a particularly difficult thing for me to face as I’d always told myself that the ‘outside’ shouldn’t matter. It didn’t, really matter; to me… it did matter though to the part of me that was seeking approval and validation from others. The hotter my friends told me a woman I was seeing was; the harder it would be for me to end the relationship, even though I knew I had to.
It’s only in looking back that I see these these things, and the subsequent changes, in me. I certainly never saw things this clearly then, or I truly believe I would have done something about it!
I need to say this, before we go much further. Not to take anything away from any of the other women I’ve known in my life, but to me, my wife is the single most attractive woman I’ve ever known. She’s inspired feelings in me I haven’t had since I was a teenager and some I've never felt before. I never tire of looking at her, and still after 6 years of living together, I can still be aroused by her simply walking across the room in a pair of overalls. She is, as they say “The object of my affections.”
So I’ve been thinking about how relationships change as we mature. I said mature, instead of age, because they’re definitely different. I know some guys that are still like I was in high school, all about the external appearance. They could care less what’s going on inside that woman, as long as she looks good on their arm. In my mind, they’ve aged, but not matured.
Fortunately though, most of the guys I know, and hang out with, are far more concerned about the quality of a woman’s character than the shine in her hair. They care more about how sexy she 'acts' with them in private, than how sexy she ‘looks’ to someone else.
Why am I rambling on about this, at this particular time… well, because I’ve been thinking about it, and when I get stuck thinking about something I end up writing about it!
As those of you who come by here on a regular basis know, my wife has had more than her share of health issues over the past 12 to 18 months. As a result, she’s gained some weight (or so she says) and on many days the smile I love so much has been replaced by the grimace of pain. I know however, there’s been no diminished love or desire on either of our parts, just an ‘inconvenience’ or so the doctors say.
As it would with anyone, she, from time to time, worries about her attractiveness, to me. That the changes she’s going through will somehow change how I feel about her, how much I desire her, or crave her touch.
This, in particular, is one of those times I wish it were possible to just plug someone into your thoughts, or record them, so they could play them back. It’s one thing for me to tell her, and act like; she’s as attractive to me as ever (she is). It’s yet another for her to assimilate that information and banish forever from her thoughts any feelings to the contrary.
It’s one of the issues in relationships I have the most trouble in understanding, yet I know it’s a very common problem. One not limited to a woman feeling that way, but one men worry about as well.
I don’t think we (men or women) really know how our partner’s see us. Instead we project what we see, our likes and dislikes about our bodies, ourselves, into what we believe they see.
It’s hardly fair, when you think of it. Especially for us ‘married folk’ to project things that way, to assume the person who’s picked *us* to spend the rest of their life with, would, or could, see us as anything but, attractive, to them. After all, they certainly saw something about us they liked well enough to want to commit a lifetime to!
Do we really think that little of our partners that they would have based their decision to be with us, on something as superficial as looks? Or, that we maintain some unstated, yet very real, mysterious ‘perfect weight’?? Do we truly believe that they were so ‘star struck’ by our physical attractiveness alone in the beginning that, they’d vanish into the night if our star ever fades? That a person who’s committed themselves to us for the rest of their lives would care if the number of hair follicles on our bodies increased or decreased?
I doubt that could really be it, after all, who in their right mind would marry a person they thought that little of. Would we have married a person if we thought that their love for us was so fragile, that, gaining or losing a few pounds, growing or losing some hair, getting a few gray hairs or where the appearance of some wrinkles would affect their feelings towards us? I don’t think so, at least I would not have!
So I’ve been thinking about this… what is it that I’m in love with, about my wife? What is it about her, that drives me crazy with desire for her?
I know I’m not speaking for ‘every’ man, but I’ll bet I’m about to speak for the majority! (here’s your chance guys, step up, be honest and tell us what it is for you!).
If I had to boil it all down to one thing, it’s how she treats me.
That’s a pretty broad statement, so let’s talk a few specifics.
How does she treat me?… with love, kindness and affection… that’s how.
It’s in the way she touches me, kisses me and interacts with me. The bond I feel with her, a bond that I would never break, because of what it means to me, if for no other reason, was born in this.
It’s the way she’s proud of my accomplishments, yet doesn’t let my ego swell up too much and get in the way. How she holds me after a failure and let’s me know it will be alright, that she believes I’ll find another way. That she considers me her best friend, her confidant and her sounding board. The way her touch excites me like no other ever has...
It’s that smile, that wonderful smile, that always crosses her face when she knows I’ve been watching her… in the garden, with the cats, mowing the lawn, in the kitchen, walking up the driveway or stepping from the shower… I love to look at her, and she loves catching me…
It’s in the way she’ll touch, my arm, my shoulder, my face… or ‘cop a feel’ when she’s sure no one is looking (or can see).
It’s in a thousand other things too; each one ties into the next, weaving a fabric that wraps me in emotions for this woman, my wife.
No extra wrinkle here or there, gray hair, gain or loss in weight… No freckle, age spot, mole or pimple… no stray chin, nose or ear hair… no sags or droops… none of those physical changes life will throw at us over the years, will change the love and desire I have. The only thing, that could (or would) change it, would be for her to change, the way she treats me.
I’ve probably not done this subject justice, but the fact remains, I truly believe we need to see ourselves, through our partner’s eyes… to show each other the vision we have of the other, so that they can share it with us.
As always... thanks for listening… and, by all means sound off and tell me what you think… what is it, for you, that fuels the fires, the love, the passion you feel for your partner?
Technorati Tags: Relationships About Me Men Women
Friday, September 23, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I was a 'Madman' !!....
One of the Madmen of Goguen Industries anyway....
First, what’s up with BlogSpot? For the past couple of days my email notifications for comments have been sporadic at best. Today it took me three tries to post a comment here myself! Has anyone else had problems like this?
On to the story…
It was 1989 and thing were pretty good in the IT/IS business. The small consulting company I’d ‘restarted’ after my departure from APA was doing fairly well and I was working out of my home full time.
I’d also recently hired a fellow by the name of Rich Jeran, a legitimate claimant to the title of guru when it came to things Unix and Xenix, especially if those products were from a company called SCO.
I don’t really remember exactly how Rich found ‘me’, but I do remember at the time he called I was in a cast, and busier than a ‘one armed paper hanger’ with my little consulting business.
Rich talked me into giving him a chance, and I wasn’t an easy sell as I really had no desire to have ‘employees’. No sir, I was quite happy that I was finally making a decent living again in the computer business and working almost exclusively from my home.
At the time, in my little corner of the world, I was the ‘GoTo’ guy for things Novell, dBase or FoxPro. Back then, Novell was king in the DOS based networking arena and the xBase languages were the ‘big deal’ in PC based data based development. I was picking up one or two new clients a month, and had just inked a deal with the local Sears Business Center (anyone else remember those?) to be their primary Novell consultant.
My karma being what it is, between the time Rich first called, and we had our first meeting, I actually signed new client, who wanted Xenix, and not Novell, as their network infrastructure platform. Of course I knew he and I were meeting, but the truth is, back then I’d have taken the project anyway, I wasn’t at all afraid of stepping ‘out of the box’ and into unknown territory.
Rich and I met at the Denny’s just North of Carrier circle in Syracuse, we had breakfast, talked a little and headed over to this client so Rich could scope it for himself. (Now, if you actually knew Rich, or me, you’d know that us having a short talk was a miracle in, and of, itself!).
As I recall, we got the gig, and after we’d installed the software there was some issue over ‘training’ and as we started looking into it, the company had ‘lost’ (as they had ‘let them go’) the two folks we had trained, and wanted us to train some additional folks, for free. (That wasn’t happening!)
So, here I am, with a guy on the ‘payroll’, in danger of losing the only Xenix client we have, when through the door (the phone actually) comes another… to make a long story short, we continued to grow both the Novell and Xenix/Unix portions of the business that summer.
After Rich and I had been working together for only a few months, The Sears Business Center, calls in one afternoon. They had a lead they wanted me to follow up, a place called “Goguen Industries” on “Goguen Drive” in Liverpool, NY… well at first I thought they were kidding, but I made the call and had a brief talk with Bruce Goguen, before setting up a meeting in his office the following day.
I closed out that day, feeling pretty good as I recall, we’d had a good week, the Xenix portion of the business is growing, slowly, but at a steady pace and the Novell and SBT (Accounting software) are growing as well, more quickly, but still at manageable levels.
The best thing is, I’m making payroll every week, and I’m still covering my business and personal expenses as well. All in all, I remember thinking, things are going pretty well, finally!
In the course of meeting with Bruce Goguen the next week, as I’m moving to close the deal, he says: “Why don’t you sell me your company, and come to work for me?”
I know I must have stuttered as I asked: “Excuse me? But are you saying you want to buy my company?” (I like to remember myself as being ‘cool’ at that moment, but I’m not so sure I was) A rather brief conversation followed where he explained he did indeed want to buy the company, hire Rich, and I, and then expand the customer base, etcetera, etcetera…. I held off giving him a ‘price’, I let him know I was interested, but I needed to think it over a bit.
I remember getting home that night and talking to my wife about it, saying how I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sell it, go back to having a ‘real job’, all that sort of thing…. When she told me that selling it was in the original business plan I’d written. She then proceeded to dig it out and show it to me, and sure enough, there in black and white were my words:
“grow it sufficiently to the point where it can be sold”
To make this story a bit shorter, I did sell it, and we packed the office up and moved it to Liverpool. Almost immediately Bruce wanted me to start hiring additional people.
This went against my ‘grain’ as a business man, as I’d always gotten the revenue first, hired later. Now, he was charging me with hiring first and then finding the business. In the consulting business, that’s a bit like a law firm hiring lawyers hoping to get clients, it’s just not done that way. I should have seen then, that he was trying to apply a manufacturing model to a service business… but it was the ‘Honeymoon’ period and all… and hey, this was *me… I could do anything!
Around the end of the second week, they started calling us the “Micro Applications Division” (MAD) of Goguen Industries. It was just a few days after that when Kathy Bovee, the controller, sent out a memo, welcoming the ‘Madmen”, to the company.
So, in the beginning, it was Rich and I, the original ‘Madmen’… interestingly enough, that moniker wasn’t far from the truth as we both were hard headed and had explosive personalities.
In short order we’d hired Sherry Shultz (who has since passed on), Ken Sheldon (who’ve I’ve written about before) and Mark Montgomery (who I went fishing with back in June) and we were now at full staff.
Sherry’s job was what I called phone triage… she’d answer all inbound calls and route them to the appropriate person:
Mark was hardware
Rich was Unix/Xenix
Ken was SBT and custom programming
I was Novell and programming as well
Things were actually storming along far better than I could have ever imagined when we got started. The ‘division’ was beginning to show a small profit, our new client count was up to 8, maybe even 10, a month and we were all working like crazy to keep up.
We were ‘stars’ in our little world. At the 1990 Syracuse Business and Computer Expo our booth won “Best of Show”. We made the papers, life was good. We were all working tons of hours, but having a pretty good time and enjoying a hard earned reputation as ‘the guys’ to call.
Then, January 16, 1991, as Rich, Mark and I were sitting in the Euclid (a bar) having our regular after work ‘post-mortem’ of the day’s occurrences, an announcement was made on CNN that the US led efforts to expel Iraqi forces from Kuwait had begun.
I remember that announcement because of what happened the next day.
On a normal day, our phones would ring 15 to 20 times an hour, that next day; it was as though our phone service had been disconnected. We received maybe five calls all day. The world, as we had known it, had stopped spinning. No one was calling, and those who did call, were putting projects on indefinite hold. No one had anticipated this kind of effect on us.
The first casualty was Mark, as the hardware guy, when those orders stopped coming in, Bruce cut him loose, and fairly quickly. I remember feeling bad, as Mark had worked just as hard as anyone to build the entire thing, not ‘just’ the hardware piece.
This changed things, and not for the better, there was definitely a different feeling in the air after that. Goguen’s other businesses, including his core “recession proof” business were experiencing similar problems. It was about mid-February, or about a month later, when, as I sat down for a regular meeting with the owner and the controller that, he announced he was closing the division and we were all being ‘let go’. No severance, no kiss, just a ‘see ya’.
There was just one problem with his ‘plan’, he hadn’t finished paying me for the business (note to anyone thinking about selling a business, get as much as possible upfront and in cash!!). I informed him of this little fact, and that despite what he thought, division, or no division, he owed me that money.
After a bit of discussion, I told him I’d consider ‘taking back’ the equipment, and the client list for what he owed me, but, I’d have to think it over.
So that cold, mid-February day, the Madmen officially died. What’s interesting to me though, is that I’ve stayed in contact with these guys, and we all remember the days leading up to the end. The hopes, dreams and excitement we all shared, and of what might have been. It was definitely ‘Fab-times’ for all of us then.
I did take the company back, and that’s another story in and of itself, that I hope to share one day.
First, what’s up with BlogSpot? For the past couple of days my email notifications for comments have been sporadic at best. Today it took me three tries to post a comment here myself! Has anyone else had problems like this?
On to the story…
It was 1989 and thing were pretty good in the IT/IS business. The small consulting company I’d ‘restarted’ after my departure from APA was doing fairly well and I was working out of my home full time.
I’d also recently hired a fellow by the name of Rich Jeran, a legitimate claimant to the title of guru when it came to things Unix and Xenix, especially if those products were from a company called SCO.
I don’t really remember exactly how Rich found ‘me’, but I do remember at the time he called I was in a cast, and busier than a ‘one armed paper hanger’ with my little consulting business.
Rich talked me into giving him a chance, and I wasn’t an easy sell as I really had no desire to have ‘employees’. No sir, I was quite happy that I was finally making a decent living again in the computer business and working almost exclusively from my home.
At the time, in my little corner of the world, I was the ‘GoTo’ guy for things Novell, dBase or FoxPro. Back then, Novell was king in the DOS based networking arena and the xBase languages were the ‘big deal’ in PC based data based development. I was picking up one or two new clients a month, and had just inked a deal with the local Sears Business Center (anyone else remember those?) to be their primary Novell consultant.
My karma being what it is, between the time Rich first called, and we had our first meeting, I actually signed new client, who wanted Xenix, and not Novell, as their network infrastructure platform. Of course I knew he and I were meeting, but the truth is, back then I’d have taken the project anyway, I wasn’t at all afraid of stepping ‘out of the box’ and into unknown territory.
Rich and I met at the Denny’s just North of Carrier circle in Syracuse, we had breakfast, talked a little and headed over to this client so Rich could scope it for himself. (Now, if you actually knew Rich, or me, you’d know that us having a short talk was a miracle in, and of, itself!).
As I recall, we got the gig, and after we’d installed the software there was some issue over ‘training’ and as we started looking into it, the company had ‘lost’ (as they had ‘let them go’) the two folks we had trained, and wanted us to train some additional folks, for free. (That wasn’t happening!)
So, here I am, with a guy on the ‘payroll’, in danger of losing the only Xenix client we have, when through the door (the phone actually) comes another… to make a long story short, we continued to grow both the Novell and Xenix/Unix portions of the business that summer.
After Rich and I had been working together for only a few months, The Sears Business Center, calls in one afternoon. They had a lead they wanted me to follow up, a place called “Goguen Industries” on “Goguen Drive” in Liverpool, NY… well at first I thought they were kidding, but I made the call and had a brief talk with Bruce Goguen, before setting up a meeting in his office the following day.
I closed out that day, feeling pretty good as I recall, we’d had a good week, the Xenix portion of the business is growing, slowly, but at a steady pace and the Novell and SBT (Accounting software) are growing as well, more quickly, but still at manageable levels.
The best thing is, I’m making payroll every week, and I’m still covering my business and personal expenses as well. All in all, I remember thinking, things are going pretty well, finally!
In the course of meeting with Bruce Goguen the next week, as I’m moving to close the deal, he says: “Why don’t you sell me your company, and come to work for me?”
I know I must have stuttered as I asked: “Excuse me? But are you saying you want to buy my company?” (I like to remember myself as being ‘cool’ at that moment, but I’m not so sure I was) A rather brief conversation followed where he explained he did indeed want to buy the company, hire Rich, and I, and then expand the customer base, etcetera, etcetera…. I held off giving him a ‘price’, I let him know I was interested, but I needed to think it over a bit.
I remember getting home that night and talking to my wife about it, saying how I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sell it, go back to having a ‘real job’, all that sort of thing…. When she told me that selling it was in the original business plan I’d written. She then proceeded to dig it out and show it to me, and sure enough, there in black and white were my words:
“grow it sufficiently to the point where it can be sold”
To make this story a bit shorter, I did sell it, and we packed the office up and moved it to Liverpool. Almost immediately Bruce wanted me to start hiring additional people.
This went against my ‘grain’ as a business man, as I’d always gotten the revenue first, hired later. Now, he was charging me with hiring first and then finding the business. In the consulting business, that’s a bit like a law firm hiring lawyers hoping to get clients, it’s just not done that way. I should have seen then, that he was trying to apply a manufacturing model to a service business… but it was the ‘Honeymoon’ period and all… and hey, this was *me… I could do anything!
Around the end of the second week, they started calling us the “Micro Applications Division” (MAD) of Goguen Industries. It was just a few days after that when Kathy Bovee, the controller, sent out a memo, welcoming the ‘Madmen”, to the company.
So, in the beginning, it was Rich and I, the original ‘Madmen’… interestingly enough, that moniker wasn’t far from the truth as we both were hard headed and had explosive personalities.
In short order we’d hired Sherry Shultz (who has since passed on), Ken Sheldon (who’ve I’ve written about before) and Mark Montgomery (who I went fishing with back in June) and we were now at full staff.
Sherry’s job was what I called phone triage… she’d answer all inbound calls and route them to the appropriate person:
Mark was hardware
Rich was Unix/Xenix
Ken was SBT and custom programming
I was Novell and programming as well
Things were actually storming along far better than I could have ever imagined when we got started. The ‘division’ was beginning to show a small profit, our new client count was up to 8, maybe even 10, a month and we were all working like crazy to keep up.
We were ‘stars’ in our little world. At the 1990 Syracuse Business and Computer Expo our booth won “Best of Show”. We made the papers, life was good. We were all working tons of hours, but having a pretty good time and enjoying a hard earned reputation as ‘the guys’ to call.
Then, January 16, 1991, as Rich, Mark and I were sitting in the Euclid (a bar) having our regular after work ‘post-mortem’ of the day’s occurrences, an announcement was made on CNN that the US led efforts to expel Iraqi forces from Kuwait had begun.
I remember that announcement because of what happened the next day.
On a normal day, our phones would ring 15 to 20 times an hour, that next day; it was as though our phone service had been disconnected. We received maybe five calls all day. The world, as we had known it, had stopped spinning. No one was calling, and those who did call, were putting projects on indefinite hold. No one had anticipated this kind of effect on us.
The first casualty was Mark, as the hardware guy, when those orders stopped coming in, Bruce cut him loose, and fairly quickly. I remember feeling bad, as Mark had worked just as hard as anyone to build the entire thing, not ‘just’ the hardware piece.
This changed things, and not for the better, there was definitely a different feeling in the air after that. Goguen’s other businesses, including his core “recession proof” business were experiencing similar problems. It was about mid-February, or about a month later, when, as I sat down for a regular meeting with the owner and the controller that, he announced he was closing the division and we were all being ‘let go’. No severance, no kiss, just a ‘see ya’.
There was just one problem with his ‘plan’, he hadn’t finished paying me for the business (note to anyone thinking about selling a business, get as much as possible upfront and in cash!!). I informed him of this little fact, and that despite what he thought, division, or no division, he owed me that money.
After a bit of discussion, I told him I’d consider ‘taking back’ the equipment, and the client list for what he owed me, but, I’d have to think it over.
So that cold, mid-February day, the Madmen officially died. What’s interesting to me though, is that I’ve stayed in contact with these guys, and we all remember the days leading up to the end. The hopes, dreams and excitement we all shared, and of what might have been. It was definitely ‘Fab-times’ for all of us then.
I did take the company back, and that’s another story in and of itself, that I hope to share one day.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Barn Fires…
There’s nothing else quite like a barn fire.
Barns are big; they’re in mostly rural areas without a good water supply and filled with flammable materials. One other problem, the residents can’t notify anyone, so, most often it’s a passer-by, or the farmer as he wakes up who notices the fire first. Often, long after it started, and has plenty of time to get really working…
Once they get rolling, it takes a lot of people, and a lot of water, to bring that fire back under control, and eventually extinguish it.
There are essentially three priorities when you roll up on a barn fire. First, determine if there are any people in the barn. Second, determine what animals, if any, might be in the barn. Third, find a way to get enough water, on the fire, fast enough to get it extinguished.
The first two, just about any department in the country can accomplish.
The third however, is the forte` of my friend Jack Cottet. For all the years I’ve known Jack he’s been all about “Rural Water Supply”. I worked a couple seminars on the subject with Jack back in the mid 80’s that I’ve mentioned here in the past. I knew, at the time, what we (well he, I was simply helping) were doing was pretty revolutionary and beyond what the normal ‘thinking’ of the day was.
However, until very recently, I had no idea “how” groundbreaking this work of Jack’s was, and still is.
If you read the piece Jack sent me, and I posted here, you can hear in his words, that he’s a humble man, preferring to let his actions speak the loudest.
It turns out, that my friend and fellow firefighter, along with another fellow John Heintz, are about the top two guys, on the planet, when it comes to rural water supply. Australia, yeah, that’s right, the country, flew Jack there, all expenses paid to teach their fire departments about establishing, and maintaining an adequate water supply when fighting fires away from hydrants.
Think about that for a moment… best in the world… at what they do… and for the most part, they’ve both done most of their work as volunteers. Yes they had regular jobs, that were ‘fire related’, but no one was paying them to develop and expand on the ways of rural water supply… It was, for the most part, a labor of love (or possibly obsession).
I knew that Jack was good, and that our department and many of the surrounding departments were much better off because he was in the mix… but I had no idea, how good he really is.
You see when I got involved in the VFD, I naturally gravitated to those folks who knew what they were doing and were always on the ‘front line’, as it’s in my nature to want to be in the ‘thick of it’. So hanging out with the likes of Cottet, Flint, Heinz and Campbell was not an option for me, I was drawn to their knowledge and love for the fight, like a moth to a flame.
So, for the entire time I was involved, the ways we used to bring water to these rural fires, was just, to me, the way it was done. We were always looking for faster ways to fill, and dump the tankers, utilize multiple ‘ponds’, equalize water levels between ponds, all of that. But I’d never really experienced the way other departments did it.
More to the point, the ways others didn’t do it. We almost always had water, in more than adequate supply, to fight the fires. It turns out that one of the biggest challenges rural departments face, after getting enough trained people to the scene, is adequate water supply.
I remember several fires where we had multiple pumpers, moving a total of four, or five, thousand gallons a minute, for several hours as we’d fight one of these barn fires. I don’t remember one time having to pull back, take a break, and wait for water to arrive. Think for a minute, about the logistics of loading, hauling and unloading water, from a few miles away, at a 1,000 gallons or so a load, such that you have enough on hand every minute to support the effort.
I didn’t think much about it back then as I had no idea what a real problem this was for some other departments. I did however continue to work on improving what Jack and John were doing with guys like Larry Flint when we were given the opportunity.
As I think about these days, I’m amazed at how lucky I was, we were, to have folks like this. Guys who, in addition to working all week to provide for their families, gave of themselves, gave up the precious free time we all covet, to not only improve things in their own departments, but those of surrounding communities as well.
I will always be grateful for having had the opportunity to learn, work and grow with men like this.
Barns are big; they’re in mostly rural areas without a good water supply and filled with flammable materials. One other problem, the residents can’t notify anyone, so, most often it’s a passer-by, or the farmer as he wakes up who notices the fire first. Often, long after it started, and has plenty of time to get really working…
Once they get rolling, it takes a lot of people, and a lot of water, to bring that fire back under control, and eventually extinguish it.
There are essentially three priorities when you roll up on a barn fire. First, determine if there are any people in the barn. Second, determine what animals, if any, might be in the barn. Third, find a way to get enough water, on the fire, fast enough to get it extinguished.
The first two, just about any department in the country can accomplish.
The third however, is the forte` of my friend Jack Cottet. For all the years I’ve known Jack he’s been all about “Rural Water Supply”. I worked a couple seminars on the subject with Jack back in the mid 80’s that I’ve mentioned here in the past. I knew, at the time, what we (well he, I was simply helping) were doing was pretty revolutionary and beyond what the normal ‘thinking’ of the day was.
However, until very recently, I had no idea “how” groundbreaking this work of Jack’s was, and still is.
If you read the piece Jack sent me, and I posted here, you can hear in his words, that he’s a humble man, preferring to let his actions speak the loudest.
It turns out, that my friend and fellow firefighter, along with another fellow John Heintz, are about the top two guys, on the planet, when it comes to rural water supply. Australia, yeah, that’s right, the country, flew Jack there, all expenses paid to teach their fire departments about establishing, and maintaining an adequate water supply when fighting fires away from hydrants.
Think about that for a moment… best in the world… at what they do… and for the most part, they’ve both done most of their work as volunteers. Yes they had regular jobs, that were ‘fire related’, but no one was paying them to develop and expand on the ways of rural water supply… It was, for the most part, a labor of love (or possibly obsession).
I knew that Jack was good, and that our department and many of the surrounding departments were much better off because he was in the mix… but I had no idea, how good he really is.
You see when I got involved in the VFD, I naturally gravitated to those folks who knew what they were doing and were always on the ‘front line’, as it’s in my nature to want to be in the ‘thick of it’. So hanging out with the likes of Cottet, Flint, Heinz and Campbell was not an option for me, I was drawn to their knowledge and love for the fight, like a moth to a flame.
So, for the entire time I was involved, the ways we used to bring water to these rural fires, was just, to me, the way it was done. We were always looking for faster ways to fill, and dump the tankers, utilize multiple ‘ponds’, equalize water levels between ponds, all of that. But I’d never really experienced the way other departments did it.
More to the point, the ways others didn’t do it. We almost always had water, in more than adequate supply, to fight the fires. It turns out that one of the biggest challenges rural departments face, after getting enough trained people to the scene, is adequate water supply.
I remember several fires where we had multiple pumpers, moving a total of four, or five, thousand gallons a minute, for several hours as we’d fight one of these barn fires. I don’t remember one time having to pull back, take a break, and wait for water to arrive. Think for a minute, about the logistics of loading, hauling and unloading water, from a few miles away, at a 1,000 gallons or so a load, such that you have enough on hand every minute to support the effort.
I didn’t think much about it back then as I had no idea what a real problem this was for some other departments. I did however continue to work on improving what Jack and John were doing with guys like Larry Flint when we were given the opportunity.
As I think about these days, I’m amazed at how lucky I was, we were, to have folks like this. Guys who, in addition to working all week to provide for their families, gave of themselves, gave up the precious free time we all covet, to not only improve things in their own departments, but those of surrounding communities as well.
I will always be grateful for having had the opportunity to learn, work and grow with men like this.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
My first Fire…
During our recent trip to Upstate NY, at the party, I spent some time with an old friend, by the name of Tom Metcalf. As we talked and reminisced I found myself remembering where we first met. It was at the very first fire I was involved in with the North Bay FD.
I’d joined and been accepted into the department only a week or so before this particular fire, and had participated in a grand total of one ‘Training Drill’.
On the night in question (I’ve often wondered why the worst fires seem to happen at night) the alarm went off, I rushed to the station only to be the second person to arrive. The other person there was Pete Roshier (R-ow-sher). Pete ran the local hardware store and had been in the department for many years.
As I came in the door, he starts yelling at me to jump in the front line pumper and drive it to the scene and he'll drive the tanker.
Now, I remembered, from my one drill, that the chief wanted the trucks to roll fully ‘loaded’ with personnel, and with qualified operators, but Pete’s insistent, and says “There’ll be ‘somebody’ there to run the truck, just get it there”. So, in deference to his long standing in the department, and his role as a fire commissioner, I fire that truck up and head out.
As we’re pulling up to the Bristol residence, the place is really working (which is FD speak for ‘really, really burning’), smoke and fire is visible from several windows and through the roof in at least one spot, it seems like everyone is yelling about getting lines (hoses) into the place.
One of the assistant chief’s points me to where he wants the truck parked, and I slip it in there as smooth as can be. I set the brake, slip it into neutral, engage the PTO (power take off) that runs the pump and jump out of the truck.
This particular truck had a front mounted pump, so I stepped in front of the truck and attached the two 1 ¾” line ends that had been left there.
Now… I’m in real trouble... I look around, the Asst. Chief that had been spotting the truck is gone, and I’ve expended the sum total of my vast fire fighting knowledge (obtained from that one drill), by parking the truck, and have absolutely no idea what to do next!!
I’m frantically searching for someone, anyone (you see that ‘somebody’ Pete had promised… wasn’t waiting on me when I got there) who has a clue how to get the water into, and out of this pump and to the guys waiting for it at the house.
Suddenly, I know it was probably only seconds, but it felt like hours, Ron Turk was standing next to me and asking what the problem was. I started to explain… and before I could get two full syllables out he was pulling levers and twisting handles and, like magic, the hose lines charged and water was going on the fire.
I knew what had to happen next….
I enlisted some help, got the ‘draft’ lines off the truck and prepared for the tanker to show up.
The tanker arrived; we slid the ‘portable pond’ off the back, opened it up and dumped the tankers contents into the pond. As the tanker pulled off to get more water, I realized, I was again in trouble. I had no clue how to shift from pumping from the pumper’s internal water supply to drafting water from the ‘pond’.
I started asking, yelling, screaming for someone (‘somebody’ had still not shown up)… to show me what needed to be done.
In plenty of time, Abe Cable came by and showed me the various levers and handles that needed to be moved, the sequence, and a brief ‘why’ explanation… In no time I was drafting from the pond and sneaking a little back into the internal tank for ‘reserve.
Shortly after that, tankers and pumpers from neighboring departments were showing up and there was a full scale attack on that fire. For several hours men and machines battled with that fire, sometimes gaining on it, sometimes not... Probably 40 or 50 guys, just like me, who'd jumped from the comfort of their homes to do this job... Everyone worked tirelessly, for 4 or 5 hours...
It didn’t really matter though, the fire had gotten too big a head start before we'd been called, and by the time it was over the house was a total loss.
Several things happened to me that night; I got:
Tom stood near the truck during most of the fire, and talked with me off and on all evening. I don’t really remember, about what, but we ended up as new friends as well.
Eventually, a few months (or maybe it was a year or so) later, Tom joined the department too.
In talking with Tom at that party, and he’s close to 60 now, he remembers every fire, every charge inside we made, every.. “everything”…. Maybe, one day, I’ll remember them all too. For now though y’all will just have to take them as they come to me.
I’ve also been talking with Greg Campbell (from McConnellsville) as well… he’s told me he has a lot of pictures from fires, training exercises and so on. I’ve been trying to get him to scan a bunch for me… it would be great to see some of those times in ‘color; again.
If he ever sends them, I’ll post them here as well.
I’d joined and been accepted into the department only a week or so before this particular fire, and had participated in a grand total of one ‘Training Drill’.
On the night in question (I’ve often wondered why the worst fires seem to happen at night) the alarm went off, I rushed to the station only to be the second person to arrive. The other person there was Pete Roshier (R-ow-sher). Pete ran the local hardware store and had been in the department for many years.
As I came in the door, he starts yelling at me to jump in the front line pumper and drive it to the scene and he'll drive the tanker.
Now, I remembered, from my one drill, that the chief wanted the trucks to roll fully ‘loaded’ with personnel, and with qualified operators, but Pete’s insistent, and says “There’ll be ‘somebody’ there to run the truck, just get it there”. So, in deference to his long standing in the department, and his role as a fire commissioner, I fire that truck up and head out.
As we’re pulling up to the Bristol residence, the place is really working (which is FD speak for ‘really, really burning’), smoke and fire is visible from several windows and through the roof in at least one spot, it seems like everyone is yelling about getting lines (hoses) into the place.
One of the assistant chief’s points me to where he wants the truck parked, and I slip it in there as smooth as can be. I set the brake, slip it into neutral, engage the PTO (power take off) that runs the pump and jump out of the truck.
This particular truck had a front mounted pump, so I stepped in front of the truck and attached the two 1 ¾” line ends that had been left there.
Now… I’m in real trouble... I look around, the Asst. Chief that had been spotting the truck is gone, and I’ve expended the sum total of my vast fire fighting knowledge (obtained from that one drill), by parking the truck, and have absolutely no idea what to do next!!
I’m frantically searching for someone, anyone (you see that ‘somebody’ Pete had promised… wasn’t waiting on me when I got there) who has a clue how to get the water into, and out of this pump and to the guys waiting for it at the house.
Suddenly, I know it was probably only seconds, but it felt like hours, Ron Turk was standing next to me and asking what the problem was. I started to explain… and before I could get two full syllables out he was pulling levers and twisting handles and, like magic, the hose lines charged and water was going on the fire.
I knew what had to happen next….
I enlisted some help, got the ‘draft’ lines off the truck and prepared for the tanker to show up.
The tanker arrived; we slid the ‘portable pond’ off the back, opened it up and dumped the tankers contents into the pond. As the tanker pulled off to get more water, I realized, I was again in trouble. I had no clue how to shift from pumping from the pumper’s internal water supply to drafting water from the ‘pond’.
I started asking, yelling, screaming for someone (‘somebody’ had still not shown up)… to show me what needed to be done.
In plenty of time, Abe Cable came by and showed me the various levers and handles that needed to be moved, the sequence, and a brief ‘why’ explanation… In no time I was drafting from the pond and sneaking a little back into the internal tank for ‘reserve.
Shortly after that, tankers and pumpers from neighboring departments were showing up and there was a full scale attack on that fire. For several hours men and machines battled with that fire, sometimes gaining on it, sometimes not... Probably 40 or 50 guys, just like me, who'd jumped from the comfort of their homes to do this job... Everyone worked tirelessly, for 4 or 5 hours...
It didn’t really matter though, the fire had gotten too big a head start before we'd been called, and by the time it was over the house was a total loss.
Several things happened to me that night; I got:
- a severe ass-chewin’ for driving that truck and not being ‘qualified’.
- an atta-boy after the ass-chewin’ for showing up and getting the job done.
- informed ‘somebody’ never shows up!
- to spend the rest of the night guarding the scene, talking and drinking coffee with a guy by the name of Larry Flint, and the beginning of our long friendship was born.
- knowledge that any fire can be extinguished with a thimble full of water, and a lawn chair. (If you sit in the lawn chair long enough, the thimble will put out what’s left of the fire)
- a front row seat to an arson investigation, something I hope none of us ever have to go through.
- and last.. but not least....
- totally, completely and hopelessly addicted to firefighting. An obsession that lasted nearly 14 years.
Tom stood near the truck during most of the fire, and talked with me off and on all evening. I don’t really remember, about what, but we ended up as new friends as well.
Eventually, a few months (or maybe it was a year or so) later, Tom joined the department too.
In talking with Tom at that party, and he’s close to 60 now, he remembers every fire, every charge inside we made, every.. “everything”…. Maybe, one day, I’ll remember them all too. For now though y’all will just have to take them as they come to me.
I’ve also been talking with Greg Campbell (from McConnellsville) as well… he’s told me he has a lot of pictures from fires, training exercises and so on. I’ve been trying to get him to scan a bunch for me… it would be great to see some of those times in ‘color; again.
If he ever sends them, I’ll post them here as well.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Wealth, Success… Happiness
First, in the last post I mentioned being a ‘Hot Rod’... a custom, one off creation. In truth, I believe we’re all unique, not just me. We’re each a little different from each other, yet fortunately we often share some ‘common ground’ with each other as well.
I’ve been in the process of redefining what’s important to me for many years now. Once I was entirely driven by success, making more money and having more things. Over the years I’ve come to believe that it’s not those things that make a person feel happy.
Don’t get me wrong, some money in the bank, the bills paid, a nice car and house are all things that we can look at, and take pride in. They are not however, in my opinion, the real components of happiness.
I know that most of my soul searching began after my Dad’s death. The hollow, empty feeling I had then went far beyond the loss of him in my life. I was grieving the loss to be sure, but, I was also adrift and without a focus for the first time I could remember.
In examining that, I realized that 95% of all the drive I’d had, the work that I’d done, the goals I’d achieved, had all been a direct result of my wanting to hear him say “I’m proud of you”. He’d died without ever telling me that.
So there I was, my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, the push behind my tireless efforts, my one true goal, no longer viable, forever unattainable.
I really had little other choice but to examine my life, my beliefs and what I felt was valuable in my life.
It was in this process, which continues today, that I came to believe that happiness, true happiness, comes from within. No other person; no drug, possession, or achievement, can give it to you. You have to give it, to yourself.
For me, that meant taking stock of, me. Who I was, how I lived my life and what I valued. It also meant identifying those things that caused me to not feel happy, and why that was.
I say I’m still in the process because, as much as I hate to admit it, I’m not happy, everyday. I’m happy more often than not, but my goal is to find happiness each day.
I believe that, I am the only person responsible for my happiness. Others can enhance, or detract from it, at times, but ultimately it’s how I process their actions that yields a happy, or unhappy, me.
I’ve been told that we can’t control our emotions that they just happen, that all we really have control over is how we react to the emotion when it rises. We decide how a certain event in our lives affects us by what we ‘feel’ when we experience it. Have you ever noticed that when experiencing the same event different folks can react in almost opposite ways? One person becomes enraged, another sad, yet another may seem ambivalent. It’s how they’re processing the event that yields this range in reaction. Or, at least that’s what I’ve come to believe.
So, with that in mind, it should be possible to minimize the amount of time (and energy) we spend on what I’d term ‘negative’ or ‘not happy’ reactions, and maximize the amount of time we spend in a ‘positive’ place.
I went through a course once, intended to lessen the chance of stress induced ‘burn out’. In presenting the course, the lecturer set a scenario where you and a friend went swimming. In changing into your suits, you placed your clothes and valuables into baskets and left them with an attendant.
Prior to setting this scene, he’d explained what he called the ‘body scale’, and how to use it to gauge how important an event (like getting cut off in traffic) really was. The scale ranged from a paper cut, through the loss of all four limbs (what he called the ‘torso’), and the idea was, to work your way up the scale in your mind until you found a pain or loss of a body part you’d be willing to endure to have the event not have happened.
So, back to the scene, as you and your friend are getting dressed after the swim, you discover your wallet (or purse) is missing. You’re obviously upset, and your friend turns to you and says, I know where your wallet is, how far up the body scale are you willing to go, to get it back?
It took me about 3 seconds to raise my hand… and when acknowledged, I said: “If a ‘friend’ of mine, said that to me, I’d go up ‘his’ body scale until he told me!”
Well, first, that’s not what he wanted to hear; second it got a decent laugh, but third, and maybe more importantly, at that time in my life, that’s exactly, what I would have done. It was also probably why the company put me in the class, but that’s another story.
Today, the truth is, I’d make a few phone calls, get some cards and ID replaced and when all was said and done, it would have been a minor inconvenience, not something worth getting upset about. How do I know that? Well, it’s happened on at least two occasions in as many years… not that it was stolen, but washed. For those of you that don’t know, washing and drying credit cards these days renders them all but useless…
The first time it happened, I got pretty upset, Maryan and I had a fairly major argument, and, when I cooled off a bit, I realized I was out of line, apologized and we just got things replaced. The second time it happened, we both just laughed about it.
I’m telling you this to illustrate that you can, and do, decide how you react to events in your life. The decision may not always be a conscious one, but it’s a decision all the same. So maybe, if you thought about that ‘body scale’ say the next time someone cuts you off in traffic, and realize that you’re not really willing to endure much at all to have it ‘not happen’, you’ll wonder what it is that has you so upset.
I believe we all wake up each day with a specific amount of ‘emotional funds’... and once we’ve spent them, we’re borrowing from the next day, or drawing from the funds we didn’t spend the day before. So, I try, sometimes with success, sometimes without, to choose when and why I spend those funds. I may need them more tomorrow, than I do today.
The result is, and that’s the point, the result, I’m happier more days than not. When an event comes along that really requires, or simply takes, a huge amount of emotion, more often than not, I have enough left to spend on it.
I really believe, that this one little thing, changed not only how I look at events in my life, but, my overall happiness and satisfaction levels as well.
Hey, try it, if you find it works for you great, if not, it really didn’t cost you anything to try.
So, tell me, how do you handle stress, simple ordinary everyday stress, or the bigger life altering types? What’s your secret to finding calm, staying happy?
I’ve been in the process of redefining what’s important to me for many years now. Once I was entirely driven by success, making more money and having more things. Over the years I’ve come to believe that it’s not those things that make a person feel happy.
Don’t get me wrong, some money in the bank, the bills paid, a nice car and house are all things that we can look at, and take pride in. They are not however, in my opinion, the real components of happiness.
I know that most of my soul searching began after my Dad’s death. The hollow, empty feeling I had then went far beyond the loss of him in my life. I was grieving the loss to be sure, but, I was also adrift and without a focus for the first time I could remember.
In examining that, I realized that 95% of all the drive I’d had, the work that I’d done, the goals I’d achieved, had all been a direct result of my wanting to hear him say “I’m proud of you”. He’d died without ever telling me that.
So there I was, my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, the push behind my tireless efforts, my one true goal, no longer viable, forever unattainable.
I really had little other choice but to examine my life, my beliefs and what I felt was valuable in my life.
It was in this process, which continues today, that I came to believe that happiness, true happiness, comes from within. No other person; no drug, possession, or achievement, can give it to you. You have to give it, to yourself.
For me, that meant taking stock of, me. Who I was, how I lived my life and what I valued. It also meant identifying those things that caused me to not feel happy, and why that was.
I say I’m still in the process because, as much as I hate to admit it, I’m not happy, everyday. I’m happy more often than not, but my goal is to find happiness each day.
I believe that, I am the only person responsible for my happiness. Others can enhance, or detract from it, at times, but ultimately it’s how I process their actions that yields a happy, or unhappy, me.
I’ve been told that we can’t control our emotions that they just happen, that all we really have control over is how we react to the emotion when it rises. We decide how a certain event in our lives affects us by what we ‘feel’ when we experience it. Have you ever noticed that when experiencing the same event different folks can react in almost opposite ways? One person becomes enraged, another sad, yet another may seem ambivalent. It’s how they’re processing the event that yields this range in reaction. Or, at least that’s what I’ve come to believe.
So, with that in mind, it should be possible to minimize the amount of time (and energy) we spend on what I’d term ‘negative’ or ‘not happy’ reactions, and maximize the amount of time we spend in a ‘positive’ place.
I went through a course once, intended to lessen the chance of stress induced ‘burn out’. In presenting the course, the lecturer set a scenario where you and a friend went swimming. In changing into your suits, you placed your clothes and valuables into baskets and left them with an attendant.
Prior to setting this scene, he’d explained what he called the ‘body scale’, and how to use it to gauge how important an event (like getting cut off in traffic) really was. The scale ranged from a paper cut, through the loss of all four limbs (what he called the ‘torso’), and the idea was, to work your way up the scale in your mind until you found a pain or loss of a body part you’d be willing to endure to have the event not have happened.
So, back to the scene, as you and your friend are getting dressed after the swim, you discover your wallet (or purse) is missing. You’re obviously upset, and your friend turns to you and says, I know where your wallet is, how far up the body scale are you willing to go, to get it back?
It took me about 3 seconds to raise my hand… and when acknowledged, I said: “If a ‘friend’ of mine, said that to me, I’d go up ‘his’ body scale until he told me!”
Well, first, that’s not what he wanted to hear; second it got a decent laugh, but third, and maybe more importantly, at that time in my life, that’s exactly, what I would have done. It was also probably why the company put me in the class, but that’s another story.
Today, the truth is, I’d make a few phone calls, get some cards and ID replaced and when all was said and done, it would have been a minor inconvenience, not something worth getting upset about. How do I know that? Well, it’s happened on at least two occasions in as many years… not that it was stolen, but washed. For those of you that don’t know, washing and drying credit cards these days renders them all but useless…
The first time it happened, I got pretty upset, Maryan and I had a fairly major argument, and, when I cooled off a bit, I realized I was out of line, apologized and we just got things replaced. The second time it happened, we both just laughed about it.
I’m telling you this to illustrate that you can, and do, decide how you react to events in your life. The decision may not always be a conscious one, but it’s a decision all the same. So maybe, if you thought about that ‘body scale’ say the next time someone cuts you off in traffic, and realize that you’re not really willing to endure much at all to have it ‘not happen’, you’ll wonder what it is that has you so upset.
I believe we all wake up each day with a specific amount of ‘emotional funds’... and once we’ve spent them, we’re borrowing from the next day, or drawing from the funds we didn’t spend the day before. So, I try, sometimes with success, sometimes without, to choose when and why I spend those funds. I may need them more tomorrow, than I do today.
The result is, and that’s the point, the result, I’m happier more days than not. When an event comes along that really requires, or simply takes, a huge amount of emotion, more often than not, I have enough left to spend on it.
I really believe, that this one little thing, changed not only how I look at events in my life, but, my overall happiness and satisfaction levels as well.
Hey, try it, if you find it works for you great, if not, it really didn’t cost you anything to try.
So, tell me, how do you handle stress, simple ordinary everyday stress, or the bigger life altering types? What’s your secret to finding calm, staying happy?
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