Some more poetry.... From 1973 this time

Ok... since you've all been so kind to me (and my writing) so far... I went to the 'box', that box I've kept all sorts of writing tidbits in over the years and selected a couple of things from 1973.

Interesting year that was, reorienting myself to civilian life, losing love, finding love, losing it yet again. In some ways I remember life being simpler then. I do know that it's probably a trick of the mind, but, it does seem simpler in memory, than it was in reality.

I can read some of the things I've written from then and see I was in a 'sea' of emotions..... well hopefully you'll see too.

This first piece was written during one of those beginning romances, you know, where you're beginning to have 'feelings', but, you're not entirely over the hurt(s) from the past and you wrangle with yourself...

Lost Love of Youth

April showers fall.
Thinking of you.

So thin, and tall.
Is it love, again?

Those gentle kisses.
Your warm touch.

Beyond my fondest wishes.
Just one more?

Could this happen to me?
That soft look in your eye.

I wanted to be free.
You snatched me from my shell.

Now I must decide.
Can I, love you?

Feeling like I should hide.
I'm scared, of what?

Things would have been easier.
If only I'd, cried.

This next piece is something I wrote for an English class, it's an account of my thoughts after a fire onboard ship. It was intentionally short as the assignment was to relate an experience as well as possible in as few words as possible.

The walls still too hot to touch, the air hazed with smoke.

Men drifting about, drinking coffee, talking of interrupted dreams.

The dead are not mentioned, clanging bells still ring in the ears of close friends.

Charred and black remains disguise what once was.

Evening closes with the banging of lockers and the knowledge that by morning,

Most will be forgotten.

Well.... now that I've brought you all down a bit, the lesson here is that not all 'down' periods last forever.

Life is, I've found, a never ending cycle of ups and downs. It’s periods of relative calm, followed by 'manic minutes', resolutions and a return to calm once again. Sometimes the calm lasts for weeks or months, at other times the craziness seems to outweigh the calm and resolutions appear few, and inadequate. Somehow though, we all get through each crisis, one crisis at a time and move on.

One of the strangest things to me, is that later, months, often years later, we find ourselves remembering those 'crisis' times as "the good old days". In many cases, even feeling they were the "Glory Days".

So, with that in mind, I'm here to tell you that "these" are the good old days. Right here, right now... enjoy them!! And please, always try to remember... "The ride *is* the destination!"

My Friend, My Lover, My Wife...

I've been posting about important people in my life lately like my Dad, my Mom, but I've waited to write about the most important person, until now.

That's right, I've said it, written it actually, my wife is, hands down, no contest, the single most important person in my life.

She's so important that I, at times, make the mistake of assuming she always knows that. I must believe she somehow ‘knows’, simply through osmosis or something what, and how, I’m feeling, all the time. Part of that feeling comes from the fact that she is, in fact, very intuitive. Intuitive, yes, psychic, no.

I could talk, at length about her ‘physical’ attributes and how attractive and sexy I think she is… but that’s not really the point is it? I mean there are thousands of attractive women (and men if you’re a woman) out there, but, while attractiveness is ‘nice’, for me, it’s not where the love grows. For me, love grows from actions, perceptions, beliefs, interactions… I’ve met a lot of physically attractive people who got very ugly within 5 minutes of the first conversation, and conversely a number of ordinary folks who, the more I was around them, the more attractive they became.

You see, I’m an ‘obsessive’ type guy. It’s not that I actually obsess over things, but more that once something has my attention. And I get focused on it, I tend to lose touch with every, and any, thing else in my environment. Now this particular talent serves me well when I’m trying to write code in a busy office, an airplane or any of the other ‘strange’ places I’ve been known to code, but, it’s not exactly a relationship builder at home. There are times when I’m writing, reading comments, checking out another blog, watching something on TV or working on a car that she’ll come up to me to say something and while I ‘hear’ her, I fail to ‘disengage’ from the task at hand and ‘engage’ with her.

I know this hurts her feelings, comes across as though she’s less important than the task at hand, and hard for her (or anyone) to take. Especially difficult when it’s the person you value most in the world doing it. Most times, she just waits patiently for me to realize that I’ve done it, yet again, and come find her to ‘engage’ in whatever she’d wanted to discuss. I don’t know how she does it. More to the point, I don’t know why *I* do it!

I should be dropping whatever it is I’m doing and refocusing on her. I try, I truly do. Why? It’s simple really, she’s an incredible human being, and she deserves nothing less!

You see, I have the good fortune to be married to the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. She is a strong woman, in every sense of the word, strong:

• In character
• Emotionally
• Spiritually
• In her physical endurance
• In love, of me, her kids and of course our cats
• In caring about others

As well as in a thousand other ways, but you get the point.

The past three years have been tough ones for us, ‘reality check’ kind of tough, family issues, as well as with us having some physical challenges, not to mention that we have only been married since 2001.

Through it all, she’s ‘toughed’ it out with me, never giving up, slipping into a pessimistic frame of mind or otherwise letting life get her ‘down’. I do not know how “I” would have worked through all of this without her help and support.

In 2002 she suffered a knee injury as we were attempting to finish-up the home we rebuilt for ourselves. For several months she worked on the place, with me, in pain, and only stopping to rest when the pain got too much. She never complained, she just “cowboy’d up” as they say and kept going. Eventually, she ended up having surgery on the knee, it was successful and I thought “great” now we can get back to our ‘old selves’ again!!

It wasn’t to be. In 2003 I suffered two ruptured discs in my neck, at two separate times, with two separate surgeries. I was in a ton of pain, and not very much fun to be around for the better part of that year. Again, she never complained, she just took care of me, in any way I’d let her and patiently waited for me to ‘come back’ as I recovered. It was during this time that I really began to fully realize what a gift I’d found. She had a number of other personal (family type) issues going on at the same time, none of which were minor, but I (and us) was always her primary focus. I tried to help with her family issues, but in all honesty, I doubt I was as much help as I wanted to be.

I don’t remember her ever talking to me about her problems, other than in a constructive manner, no pity parties, just work through it, make a choice, move forward type discussions.

About the time I was fully recovered her health problems started up again, and to one degree or another continue today. Through it all, the doctors, the procedures, the ups and the downs, she’s never given up. Never lost sight of the goal of “getting her life back” as she puts it.

Even last July, in the middle of her own personal medical crisis, when I came home from work mid-morning only to tell her I was unemployed, she never skipped a beat. There was no, “How will we survive?”, “What did you do wrong?”, “How could you let this happen?”… Nope… You know what she said… I remember it clearly…

“You’re, we’re, better off… you haven’t been happy there for a while… So tell me, what do you want to do next?”

Just like that, total faith, in “me”, in us, in our ability to just weather the storm and continue our journey forward. Even though I was ‘all over the map’ on what to do next, we both knew that contracting/consulting was the most likely track for me. She also knew that contracting had been, at the least, a contributing factor during the break up of my first marriage. Despite that, she never once voiced dissent, only support, for what ever I chose to do next.

She has a genuine concern for folks less fortunate than us as well. During my recent “career transition” (sound better than unemployment ‘eh?) she’d ask, “Is it ok to send money to..?” …whatever charity was asking, I’d always say yes, despite feeling pretty broke myself. It just melted my heart to see her thinking about others when, in my mind, “we” were in crisis.

I don’t know if she never felt that way about us, or, if she felt despite our troubles we were still far better off than many. I just know she made me a better person, got me thinking beyond myself, during that time. Maybe she knew I needed to get focused elsewhere, maybe it’s just ‘who she is’… for whatever reason, it’s one of the reasons I love her!

Did I mention she loves to ride the motorcycle with me? She does, and unlike some folks who think a motorcycle ride is going three towns over for lunch and back, I like to “ride”, to go ‘on tour’ as some call it. We went on a motorcycle honeymoon, in April, with the daytime highs in the 40’s at best; some never made it out of the 30’s. We rode through a pretty heavy snowstorm in Roanoke, Va., portions of the Blue Ridge Parkway were closed due to snow and ice, still we rode every day, through the snow and cold, and laughed at our mutual discomfort, yet we still fully enjoyed moments like that sunset over the mountains at a little motel one night.

A few weeks later, in June, we took off on a 13 state, 4,000 mile, 14 day journey, to Denver, Co. and back. It was hot, so hot that we both developed a condition known as ‘monkey butt’ by many riders, again, no complaints, we just had fun. We explored the Rockies, Rocky Mountain National Forest, Mt. Evans where it was actually snowing at the peak, again, (not something you like to see when you’re riding a motorcycle), Garden of the Gods, and dozens of other highlight side trips along the way.

She’s got to be the best ‘packer’ ever to ride on a bike; we (meaning she) managed to pack everything we needed for the trip on the bike and in little more space than most folks have for a weekend jaunt. Imagine getting your partner to take off on a two week vacation with what could be carried in less than two overnight bags!! She’s amazing.

We’ve ridden in the rain, snow, thunderstorms, even a near tornado on Rte. 64 in Guymon, Ok. that had us both rethinking our road choice that day… but never a complaint, we huddled in that picnic shelter watching the horses run from the pasture, just a joy for life, and living, that brings me up, whenever I’m down.

It’s funny, since meeting her I’m in a whole new phase of life. Before Maryan, work was the focus of my life. Today, I work from home whenever I can, and when I have to go to the job site, the best part of my day is coming home to her, and the home we’ve built, together.

Yes, life still has its problems, but we face each and every one together. I never feel like I have to go at anything, alone. We talk, about everything, there are no taboo subjects, nothing ‘out-of-bounds’. She puts the color in my circle.

I’ve had some wonderful people in my life, each putting their own twist in my road. I’ve got lots of “things” too; friends, tools, cars, trucks, motorcycles, computers, this blog… all wonderful in their own right… but I’d give them all up… start all over again to keep her in my life.

I have big dreams, plans and ambitions, all of which, should they come true and along the way I lost this beautiful woman… the price would have been too high.

So darling, we may never be rich, in monetary terms, but I’m the richest man I know because I have you.

Thank you for all you have done, and continue to do. You are truly life’s greatest gift.

Happy Mother's Day... Mom

There’s a special relationship between Mothers and their sons, at least there is between my Mom and I. It’s been precarious over the years; differing from the one I had with my Dad, but having no less profound an impact on my life.

It runs the same Love/hate/Love gamut that the one with my Dad did, as they both felt they should ‘control’ their son. I however, was not a child that responded well to control.

I’ve had the good fortune to still have my Mom around at this point in my life. We’ve had many long conversations about the ‘old days’ when I was young and growing up. It’s been through those conversations that I’ve come to see the ‘rest of the story’ and to understand a lot of what was going on back then.

There was a period when every time I’d be talking with Mom, she’d begin telling me she was sorry for how hard she (and my Dad) had been on me as a kid. That it really hadn’t been necessary, she knew that now, and wished she’d done things differently. It took some time, and convincing, but I believe she knows now, that I know, she only did what she felt was right at the time. I have only respect for her courage to do just that, what was the right thing.

She once related to me that on the day I was born, the nurses all told her what a ‘perfect’ baby I was. How, because her room in the hospital was next to the nursery, she'd hear people talking, saying things like "Look at how wonderful that Coupe baby is". That it had combined so she'd felt that God had blessed her with a perfect child, entrusted her with me, and she was responsible for making sure I stayed ‘perfect’, the way I'd been sent. A pretty tall order, for her, and me!

So that’s how it started, me striving to be ‘less than perfect’, her keeping a constant vigil attempting to save me from imperfection. It sounds silly, I know, but that was the deal, the plan, and the road she and I were on. It made for big fights, bigger arguments, hurt feelings, raw emotions and in general a rough 10 year period, from say age 10 to age 20 for me.

She was also however, a fierce protector… I can recall one incident at a ballpark… My Dad was an athletic guy, a semi-pro basketball player at one point, and played softball (at least this one season). After the game, the adults were laughing, talking, having a couple beers and so on. Us kids were running the bases and in general getting dirty (something we kids never tired of)… I was running for home plate, decided to ‘slide’ in, and in doing so slid past the plate and into a cooler someone had left near it. (For future reference, don’t park your cooler near home plate if kids are playing in the infield!!)

Well the next thing I know I’m dangling by the arm in the grasp of the woman who owned the cooler… She’s looking pretty angry and yelling something at me, I don’t recall what, just that at that moment, I was very scared… Suddenly, out of nowhere appears my Mom… she snatches me from this lady, gives her “the look” and proceeds to tell her something to the effect that if she’d like to live to see old age she’d better never lay a hand on me again!

As I recall, this woman outweighed my Mom by at least 100 pounds… but, and I know it was “the look”, she retreated all the way to the bleachers, and quickly. We left shortly thereafter.

Speaking of “the look”… is that something they teach Mothers at the hospital? I know my Mom had it, and many of my friends Mom’s had it… “the look”… no words required, they simply gave you “the look” and you ceased immediately whatever annoying behavior you’d previously been enjoying. I wish I could learn it… it sure would be useful in many business situations.

Mom also has more faith than most priests or ministers I’ve known. I’ve tried to have it, God knows she tried to instill it… a devote Roman Catholic she made sure I got eight years of parochial grammar school and four years of religious education through High school. I was an altar boy too, usually serving at the 5:00am Masses during the week before school. I just was never able to achieve the same serenity I saw in her face when she was in church.

She’d be totally at peace, as one with the universe, as though every other trouble in her life was, for those moments, gone. I’ve always admired that in her, it came naturally to her, and others spend a lifetime trying to have it for 5 seconds.

I look back on things these days and I realize, had they not been trying to keep me ‘perfect’, I might have turned out quite differently.

In one of those “I’m sorry” conversations I actually told her that “Look, it all turned out ok… I’m not in jail, a drug addict, a criminal… I’m actually a fairly productive member of society… and pretty happy with the person I am”. So, what harm was done by her being ‘hard’ on me? None…

In fact, if she hadn’t been so hard on me, it’s entirely possible I’d have turned out differently. I was kind of ‘edgy’ growing up, I liked pushing the envelope, walking the very edge of the line… who knows, if they didn’t keep knocking me back on the ‘good’ side of the line I might have taken an entirely different path.

I’m thankful that she’s still around, that I can call her on the phone, hear her voice, know she’s ok, get annoyed with her, and laugh with her. I’m thankful we both ‘grew up’ and found a mutual respect for one another, and can enjoy this phase in our lives.

I remember a lot of things…

• Being bathed in the sink on Armory Street as the sun set.
• The time, again on Armory street, when I told you I wasn’t tired enough for bed, and you had me run from one end of that long kitchen to the other ten times to prove it…(you were right as I recall)
• How much I hated that ‘sling’ after I’d broken my collar bone.
• Christmas time, and how you and Dad managed to hide all those presents despite us kids (7) having an actual ‘organization’ to find them, or at the very least sneak downstairs early Christmas morning!
• How, at times, you’d try to stifle a smirk as you told me I shouldn’t have done something.
• That you could never really sleep until you knew all of the kids were safe at night.
• The way you and Dad looked at each other.
• That you and Dad yelled at each other so rarely, that when you did, it would stun us kids into an even rarer silence.
• The meals, how you managed to feed at least nine, and usually 10 or more people at every meal, (and with good meals too!) still amazes me.
• How you became a better Mother with each child, always learning from your earlier experiences, not simply repeating them.
• You teaching me to drive in my "Karmen Ghia", when no one else would even get in the car.
• Driving me to summer school after I bombed Algebra (amazing math is so much of my life now huh?)
• That you once told me to “Keep it in my pants” as I was leaving for a date, I tripped over my feet and almost fell onto the back porch… You just looked up from whatever you were stirring, with that little ‘knowing’ smirk of yours and said nothing more.
• Your flower (tulip's, poppy's etc.) garden in the side yard.
• The Peonies that grew by the front door, and we saved from destruction during the first addition.
• The trees (seedlings) we dug up in the Adirondacks, and planted in the yard.
• The lunches you'd pack and we'd eat at picnic tables on the way to Old Orchard Beach.
• Your "Swedish" pancakes
• How you (and Kathy) never left my side at the hospital after “the” motorcycle accident, that every time I opened my eyes, you were there.
• Your sad eyes the day I got on that bus for boot camp.
• The light in your eyes when you picked me up at the airport when I finally got discharged.
• That day you backed the car into my Triumph Spitfire.
• How much you've loved everyone of the 'Grandbabies' and "GreatGrandbabies".
• Your strength when Dad died, your courage and determination to continue living.
• How concerned you were when you and Andy decided to get married, and some of the kids didn’t want you too (I’m glad you two got married, he’s a great guy)
• Your tears, when I got married, then divorced, and then once more when you’d realized I’d really found love again.

But most of all, I remember love, and lots of it. I know there wasn’t much money, in fact we were pretty poor, financially. Somehow though, you made do, and you made do in a way we kids (well at least I) never ‘felt’ poor. Instead we felt thankful for what we had. If we had nothing else, we had each other, and we had you. We were wealthy indeed.

In fact, to this day, I get almost as much enjoyment 'dreaming' about a new purchase, as I do from finally making it! I think that was born of reading Sears catalogs and dreaming of this tool or that and not being able to afford it (Sears was my first credit card, I had to have Russ make me a consolidation loan with the bank so I could get it paid off and eat!). You never complained, not once, you got up everyday, dealt with all seven of your uniquely individual children and all of our collective insanity, daily. I do not know how you did it. When I ask, you always say "I loved it, it wasn't a problem for me." I remain amazed.

I remember a lot of things, more than I could ever list here. I'm hoping, the siblings will stop by and add some memories of their own in the comments so I can compile them all for you. There's been a lifetime of good things. The blessing in living this long is that I don't remember much 'bad'... don't get me wrong... I remember, it's just that with the knowledge I have now, everything makes a whole lot more sense than when I used to "know everything"... I'm a lot smarter than that now!

So thanks Mom, for everything, then, now and going forward. I wouldn’t trade you, or any of our experiences, for anything.

A little more poetry.. sort of...

I know I've already posted a 'code' update today... but... I had this rattling around in my head, so I thought I'd let it out!

The mid-80’s through the mid-90’s were a strange time for me, sort of a decade all their own.

When one of my younger brothers had his wife up and leave him, I got to thinking about all that had happened to me in the past few years, how my ‘picture’, you know, the one shrinks all tell us we have (or should have) in our heads, well, mine never seemed to really solidify. It was more like a series of parts of pictures, a collage, one seemingly unrelated to another and I had to grab the one(s) I liked best and try to make them fit.

After having a long and very emotional heart to heart with my brother about the changes in his life, I wrote this next piece…

I’d actually remembered it as a piece I’d written about my Dad’s death, and mentioned I was looking for it earlier, but, this one is dated and I wrote it in 1994, a full ten years after he’d died, but squarely in the middle of a new career (and geographical) move for me as well as my brother's impending divorce… I do recall that our long talk that night had revealed a number of things to each of us about my Dad that up until that moment, neither of us had realized. I’m really grateful we had that talk.

So here it is… entitled:

Jig-saw Puzzle Pieces

(originally written in 1994)

When reality shatters our dreams
Into jigsaw puzzle pieces
Everything gets blurry in that cloud of tears.

Accidents of our youth
Break up our notion of immortality
Images of maturity emerge in the passing years.

Businesses gone bad, jobs gone awry
Picking up the pieces
One by one, building that new day.

Then, Dad died
That picture shattered, like glass it seemed
Painful to pick up, never done, forever in the way.

Traveling, North to South
Friends, loved ones, comfort left behind
Once more I watch as the pieces dangle.

All these opportunities
Take them, or not
Wait, the future just got another angle.

All the people in my life
Each fitting their own puzzle
Again, sweep my pieces to the floor.

Friends and lovers, came and went
The strength of my family
Helped me fit the pieces, find the door.

Life is just this jigsaw puzzle
That becomes the picture
We leave in legacy.

So our loved ones
Can pick up their pieces
Build their dreams, for others to see.

Picking up the pieces
Place the ones that fit
Build your dreams that please.

Holding on
To those that don’t
As cherished memories.

Well... I think that's it poetry wise for the moment, enough emotional traveling through time for now. As always, comments, suggestions, ideas and critiques are welcome. Thanks for stopping by and reading.

The contract… yeah Code and other stuff!

When I started this blog, I’d intended it to be mostly thoughts about the various contracts I work, the sad, frustrating, enlightening, funny and other sometimes interesting experiences. I’ve taken quite a few side trips lately, mostly because 1) I’ve been thinking about how I came to be doing this, instead of a ‘real’ job and 2) I’m currently on the best contract I’ve ever had.

There’s not much in the way of bad management, political in-fighting or any of the other BS here that’s usually so prevalent. In fact, the company is well organized and managed. Not to mention they actually appreciate the folks that work there!

With that in mind, I thought I’d relate some of the more recent happenings.

Take last Friday. The project manager took us all out to lunch, everyone, her whole full time staff, me (the sole contractor), and her boss. The occasion? One of her staff was leaving her department to take a position in another. This merits a mention, because in my experience, this type of thing is simply rarely done.

In most cases, the best that would happen would be an email or memo of congratulations, and that, would be that. This was more a celebration of this person being promoted within the company. My boss obviously saw this as recognition of at least two things; her insight in hiring her in the first place and the company being a great place to work.

It’s just one example of the kind of leadership this company has in place.

Also last week, she asked me (while we were at the coffee machine) if I would mind staying on there through the end of the year. Again an almost unheard of request, normally a client extends a contract by 30, 60, 90 days not six or more months! It seems they see my participation in the pending D&B sync project as valuable, and have one or two other possible projects they’d like me to undertake.

Planning, something I find so rare in most companies today, is all over this one. They plan everything; even short 30 minute meetings are blocked out on everyone’s calendar. Every project gets a formal requirements document, followed by a formal spec document; each iteration of the documents reviewed and signed off on by all of those involved.

This leads to well planned projects with proper resource allocations that have a very good chance of being completed, on time and on budget. This is not to say that things don’t go wrong, they do, but when they do, what I’ve witnessed is a revisiting of the original documents, identification of the problem (or problems) and a team effort to define and deploy a solution that gets the project back on track.

All in all very, very unique in my experience!

Despite all of this, and how much I’m enjoying the contract, I still wish they’d hand me, or create, some ".Net" work! I’ve got so many new tools and utilities to deploy, and no where (that’s writing a check) to put them to use! I know I’ll get the opportunity, I should just be patient, etc., etc… However… I want to build some .Net applications NOW!

Other than that, not much new on the development front. The new project, while intricate, is pretty run of the mill stuff… I’m adding a ‘transactional’ piece so that, if and when this process is ported to Oracle Financials, there will be a transactional process to ‘upsize’. I’m re-writing a few reports to use laser printers instead of pre-printed forms and dot-matrix printers… again pretty standard stuff.

We’re closing in on phase I of the D&B sync process… I’ll be sending the first datasets off later this week, or early next week. Things should get tedious for a few days when the results come back, and then we’ll be into testing all of our new logic for the ‘ongoing’ processing… I’m looking forward to that!