That’s what I’ve been pondering as there’s really no reason for me to feel that way.
I think I hit on it last night, and, in all honesty, it actually surprised me. It’s that I miss being ‘the man’, the guy in charge, the final answer on everything in my domain.
The fact is though; I don’t really miss it, at least on a conscious level. I sure don’t miss the late night and weekend phone calls, the endless hours, after hours, working evenings, weekends and holidays whenever there was a problem.
I don’t miss any of those things at all.
I do miss being the decision maker though.
Being the “buck stops here” guy has always appealed to me. I have a low tolerance for things not going how “I” think they should. So, when I’m the last word, I get things my way.
I’m actually fairly embarrassed by this self-discovery.
On the surface, and at my conscious level, I’ve loved the freedom from the responsibilities of the past decade. I get up in the morning; I go to work, do my thing all day working with great people and go home. No muss, no fuss and no ‘long nights’ without any financial reward.
So, that got me to thinking about ‘why’. Why I miss the command level position?
At this point I’ve decided it’s actually one of those parts of me, one I don’t think about very often, a part that likes to travel my own road. In the workplace, the only way you really get to do that, especially as a developer, is when you’re ‘in charge’.
I think that component of my personality comes through at work, to co-workers, supervisors and managers. It’s probably why, in virtually every company I’ve ever worked for I’ve been moved into a management slot in very short order.
Truthfully, I’ve never asked for, or sought, those promotions, just the opposite in fact. I’ve usually complained afterwards that I wasn’t getting to do the kind of work I wanted to do, I was spending more time managing than I was developing. However, somewhere along the line I started getting people around me who were so capable that all I had to do was tell them the general idea of what I wanted and they would make that happen.
It’s like I was developing through them. I was seeing my vision come into reality but they were making it happen.
Simply put, I got spoiled by the likes of Ken, Rick and Dale. They really did bring life to many, many things I dreamed up.
So now, I’m having this running conversation with myself, about all of this.
In short I:
- don’t want to be the boss.
- really love writing software, especially software that turns data, into useful information
- like having a regular 8 work day
- don’t miss the frantic nights and weekends solving yet another emergency
- am actually working at what I should consider a dream job
- will try to remember how much happier I am now, than I was a few years ago
I can always use those ‘recovered’ nights and weekends to:
- enjoy extra time with my wife
- get back in the gym, and into shape
- build any little piece of software my heart desires
- ramp back up on the truck project
- explore writing and getting published on a regular basis
- get focused again on what’s really important to me
I don’t know what it is about my brain, why it seems to always want me to be somewhere other than where I am. I think, at times, that I’ve beaten this particular demon and I’ve matured past it. However I’m beginning to think that’s just fooling myself and I’d be much better served if I remembered this little ‘quirk’ of mine, and be prepared for it, rather than surprised by it!!
For what it’s worth, this little revelation hasn’t changed my feelings from the previous post. Solidified them is more like it. I’ve gotten a new ‘lease’ on things, a new sense of purpose.
I’m going to find some interesting things to occupy the ‘extra’ time I have these days, I’ve been making notes on some article ideas, this weekend I’ll get back on the truck as it’s supposed to be almost 60 here, temps like that will allow me to put some primer down if I get that far.
It’s a Zen thing, this trying to live ‘in the moment’… I know now why some folks spend a lifetime trying to perfect it; it’s not at all easy to do!! My mind is constantly trying to sweep me forward, or backward, in time… when all I really want to do, is be right here, right now!
So what about you? Do you find yourself always focused on the future, or dwelling in the past? How do you get out of that trap?
As always, thanks for stopping by. Comments, thoughts and ideas are always greatly appreciated!!
Technorati Tags: Zen - Satisfaction - Happiness - Life
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