The Annual Physical…

I’m at the age now where an annual physical is not just a good idea, according to everything I’ve read; it’s pretty much a requirement.

First, why is it that Doctors are rarely, if ever, on time? I find it particularly annoying that if you show up 33 seconds late the first thing you hear is, “you’re late for your appointment”, and then the next thing you hear is “The Doctor is running late today”. My mind immediately screams, “Then why the hell does it matter if I’m late!!”… But, I rarely say anything; hey she’s just doing her job.

Eventually I get the call, it’s like I’m the ‘chosen one’… and I’m immediately led to a smaller room where… I can wait some more. The doctor shows up, looking appropriately pressed for time (I think that look is learned in a first year medical school course) and we begin to talk.

Now starts one of the most humbling experiences I have each year. It’s the time I’m reminded, by a Doctor younger than me (I’m not exactly sure when that first happened, but most are younger than me now!), of all the things I’ve failed to do ‘health-wise’ in the last year. As if I don’t know that; I didn’t lose any weight, quitting smoking is a good idea, taking multivitamins, exercising and having a positive mental attitude are all things I should be doing!

Somewhere around age 48 the annual testicular exam started, this is where the doctor tries to carry on some inane casual conversation while looking for who knows what with the ‘boys’, which is then immediately followed by the wonderful DRE (digital rectal exam). I guess, since my pants are already around my ankles, it’s the appropriate time (hard to run away at this point). I don’t care how ‘dignified’ you are normally; it’s all out the window for this one. I defy anyone to tell me they felt they retained their ‘dignity’ while undergoing this exam!

I won’t even go into the amount of KY they use and how interesting it feels walking on the treadmill later during the stress test with properly ‘greased’ butt cheeks.

As if that’s not enough, now, at age 53, it seems I’m supposed to have the first colonoscopy of my life. The endoscopy was bad enough; I’m not at all looking forward to being scoped out from the other end! So when my Doc asks ‘who’ I’d like to have “do the procedure”, and rattles off a list of names, I picked the guy who did the endoscope. I figure he’s already looked around from the top down… he might as well be the one looking from the bottom up!

And just when did an annual physical start taking like 4-5 hours? I know I was in, and out, in under an hour last year! Maybe he just fully realized I’m over 50? Or he plans a more involved process every other year? I mean they drew a number of blood samples, a urine sample, some other samples I’d rather not go into. I was beginning to feel like when they got done ‘sampling’, they’d have all of me!

I do like my Doc though; he actually told me I need to drink more!! It seems I’m not getting my 1.5-2 drinks per day and it’s his opinion that I should be attempting to hit that target (for protecting my heart). He did not think it was funny however when I asked if I could just drink 14 on Saturdays.

I’m putting it here, in print, for all to see. I’m gonna quit smoking! He suggested I pick a date like July 4th, but, that’s too distant a goal for me, so I’m becoming smoke free on Monday, June 20, 2005. Between now and then, I’ve also decided that I’m going back to the gym to get a little head start. I’ve found that if I exercise I have less desire to smoke, but, I can’t deal with the initial soreness and the cravings at the same time. So beginning today, I’m officially a gym rat again.

He also offered me all sorts of medications to assist with the task; I’m just not sure I want to go that route. It may just be me, but Welbutrin and Zanax seem like a bit much, I don’t remember that last time I quit being all that tough after the first couple of days. Hell, I can tolerate anything for 48 hours!

Besides, it seems to me I got started smoking (again) by making a decision, I should be able to make another and stop. So for at least three weeks, beginning that Monday, I’ll post the “smoke free days” count at the end of the post for the day.

I could go on, but, in reality, I’d have to stretch the truth. The physical wasn’t all that bad, and I understand the need for all of the ‘procedures’. All in all, from what he’s said, I’m in pretty good health, the tests are preventative in nature and I agree they’re a good idea.

The one other decision I made today, is that I’m going to lose at least 40 pounds. My blood pressure is not where I’d like to see it, and I know with me it’s directly related to my weight. So, hopefully, I’ll shed the pounds and my BP will return to numbers that will make me, and the Doc, happy! I’ll be posting the cumulative loss number right below the days at the end of each week.

Once again, thanks for reading. Please feel free to leave your comments and thoughts before you go, I love reading them!