Driven to the edge... of what?

I’ve never thought of myself as a ‘driven’ man, in fact I often lament the fact I don’t have more drive. That I don’t get more done, accomplish more, try more things, that I never seem to have enough time.

Lately, well for a few years now, I’ve also felt, well, older. I don’t have the energy I once did that’s for sure, I’ve written lately about some of the things I’ve done. I didn’t mention though, that back then, a sixteen hour day was not unusual, in fact it was pretty common.

All along I’ve been thinking that somewhere, something in me changed, that I’d lost the edge.

Then today, Spirit of Owl types this in a comment:

"If I don't do this, it'll be ok, and maybe nobody will even know... except me!"

That just about sums me up. In everything I attempt and especially those things I work on alone, that phrase, or one almost exactly the same, haunts me. It used to be much worse though, if I ‘cut a corner’ on a project I’d think about it, replay it actually, in my head, attempting to justify the corner I’d cut. In some cases, I didn’t even own the car, truck or house in question any longer.

Eventually, I realized that the only person, the work behind any project really matters to, is the one doing the project. No one cares how many times John Grisham rewrote a paragraph, how many times a story started and dried up on him before he finished it. Folks do care though, about the appearance of the finished product.

You could build a house, one perfectly square, with every stud, rafter and joist exactly 16” on center. The plumbing and electrical systems could be works of art, in and of themselves. The doors, windows, light switches and fixtures perfectly placed. But, if the finish on the drywall is sloppy, or the trim uneven or poorly matched, that is what will be noticed.

I can get lost in the details sometimes, but, I always have a vision. Right now, I can ‘see’ that truck finished. I’m not saying ‘see’ in an abstract sense either, I mean I can close my eyes, concentrate and ‘take a tour’ of that truck. Front to back, top to bottom, from the inside out, or the outside in, 3D and Technicolor. Some folks would say it’s a blessing, some a curse. I’m somewhere in the middle.

The problem is though, because I can see it, I can’t leave things ‘undone’. If you look at the picture where I’ve cut out the panel from the truck bed as an example, there’s some surface rust in there, nothing serious. In fact a wire brush and a shot of undercoating would probably work just fine. In my minds eye however, it’s been sandblasted clean and repainted so it looks as good as, or better than, it did new.

I wonder at times, am I the only one who feels like this? That it just has to be right or I’ll never really be happy with the result? I know now, that there’s at least one other person, Spirit, who at least knows the feeling.

I’ve also got to mention, that Firehawk’s comment on how what he found most interesting were the register marks and writing on the panels:

“The best part of the pictures has to be all the notations drawn on the panels with Sharpies. I liked the guidelines and angle notes and so forth.”

Those took forever to get right. I’m a real believer in, when working with body panels, measure four times, cut once and measure everything again. If this were wood, I could just run down to Lowe’s and get another 2x4. Here, if I cut one time and take too much off, I’m pretty much hosed. A single mistake becomes a geometric increase in the amount of time, and work involved at that point, not too mention the increase in my frustration level.

Then there’s the other problem with this ‘vision’ thing. I’m the only one who can see it. I don’t have the drawing ability of a Chip Foose, so about the only way anyone ever sees one of my visions, is if I actually build it. I tried to explain an idea I have for the graphics to my wife today. I was pretty excited about it and tried to ‘paint a picture with words for her. Just didn’t work.

It kind of reminded me of when we were remodeling this house before we moved in. She had no idea what I had in mind. She just had faith in me, that not only could I think it, I could also do it. I love her for that. For the way she just flat believes in me, not sort of, not half way, full flat out 100 percent committed belief.

Whenever I get discouraged, and believe me I do, she’ll just say to me “Just don’t loose your vision, you’ll get it done, you always do”.

So, to you two guys, thanks for noticing. I know I’ll get this done, eventually, although I keep hoping for sooner rather than later!