More on Relationships…

While I’m certainly no relationship expert, I do have plenty of experience with good, and bad, relationships. I think that most folks, by the time they reach this stage in life, unless they’ve been locked in a room the entire time, have had plenty as well.

Why is it that a relationship can be so difficult to maintain, feel so fragile one day, and rocks steady another?

I think it boils down to communication.

I’m talking here, primarily, about personal relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives, but I think the concept applies to any relationship, business or personal.

Communication; it’s the foundation, and the core, of the relationship. Without very good communication skills, in both partners, in my experience, the relationship is in for a rocky ride.

I see it in business relationships all the time. A client makes a request, the consulting company carries out what it thinks the request was, sometimes they’re right, sometimes they’re not. Often the relationship is ended over this type of miscommunication. Who was at fault? Is it the client for not being clear enough? The consultant for not making sure they fully understood the request?

Obviously, both companies ‘wanted’ the same, or at least a similar, outcome. The client wanted what they’d requested, the consultant wanted to deliver exactly that, and get paid. Neither side got what they wanted; from that point on things begin to disintegrate.

They crumble in business relationships because of a loss of faith, the same is true in our personal lives. The two companies above will part ways, and they’ll both claim the other ‘cost them money’, but, in reality what they’re saying is that they no longer have faith that they can maintain a profitable relationship with the other.

I believe our personal relationships work in much the same way. Both parties have essentially complimentary intentions, but often, it’s an inability to clearly communicate what those are that leaves us feeling hurt, or misled, like the companies in the my example. The difference is, it's not 'money' but something far more important, self esteem. Bad communications, missed cues, can combine to hurt one person's feelings, and then self esteem is challenged.

Once that happens, it puts a ‘chink’ in our relationship armor, a ding, a surface imperfection. Each time it happens, we add another ‘ding’, once it’s gone on long enough, our relationship begins to resemble a car that’s been driven hard, and not cared for very well. It’s dull, faded, dinged up and in general a lot the worse for the wear.

So what is communication within a relationship? It’s made up of many things; one of the most important is listening.

It’s at least as important to listen, as it is to talk, when communicating with your partner. You need to listen carefully to what they’re saying, not only their words, but their body language and facial expressions. Listen, and try not to be preparing questions for anything you don’t understand completely (and you don’t understand anything, completely, trust me). You can ask for more information when they’ve finished, spend your time listening, not thinking.

Men and women, well we think, hear and interpret things quite differently. Men, we’re much more literal. If we say we want to go to the parts/hardware store for a can of paint, that’s why we’re going to the parts store. If we say that we see “another way” to approach a situation, that’s what we mean.

A woman, in my limited experience, is likely to interpret those statements differently from the intent. The parts/hardware store statement, for my wife, is heard something like “There might be a new part, or tool I don’t have, so I’m going to the store to get this can of paint, and check on new stuff”.

The I see a “different way” statement, could easily be interpreted as me trying to say whatever way she’s handling a problem now, is somehow wrong, and she should change to ‘my way’.

In the first case… well, if I’m being completely honest, she’d be right, at least some of the time. But the majority of the time, I’m on a mission, at least when I set out. I might see, or the parts guy might tell me of, something new that could make the project I’m working on better, or allow me to complete it quicker, but my intent was to get a specific item and return.

In the second case, she’d almost never be right. If I thought she was handling something in a certain manner and that the way she was doing it was somehow preventing her from reaching her goals, I’d tell her exactly that. I would not try to work up some vague way of getting her to figure it out from things I’d said.

If we reverse this scenario, for just a minute, you might see the reverse is also true. It’s unlikely she’d tell me, directly, that she thought I was ‘screwing up’. Instead, she’d discuss it with me, finding ways to cause me to think about my actions, and my results, until I saw it for myself.

You see, our approaches are different. She’s concerned about my ‘feelings’, and wants to be sure whatever she says doesn’t ‘sting’. Our ‘manly’ approach is to just state the facts, and expect they’ll be taken as facts, not as personal attacks.

I mean, after all, it was just the facts.

The real problem here is that we (men and women) approach our conversations, within our relationships, as though we were dealing with a member of our own sex, or ourselves, rather than with a member of the opposite sex, or our partner.

Men and women, see, interpret and feel things entirely differently (well for the most part, there are exceptions, but I’m generalizing here).

So, even more so than with your friends, associates, business clients and partners, you and your partner need to listen carefully to one another. Take the time to ask questions, to determine if what you heard, was what you thought you heard… especially if you thought you heard a ‘dig’… after all this person did choose you to spend their time/life with… would they really have said, what you thought they said, if you were their top choice?? Probably not if it was something you ‘heard’ negatively…

Asking these questions is not easy. Often we’re afraid we’ll hear an answer we do not want to hear… I’m here to tell you... you NEED to hear the answer… regardless. If your worst fears come true, and they meant what you thought you heard… you need to know that… and find out why they’re saying that.

On the other hand, it’s quite possible, when you ask you’ll hear something to allow you to put away those fears, and realize the person you’re with loves you, and would never, intentionally say anything to hurt your feelings.

Start now, today. Work on your communication skills, and especially communicating with your partner. Do it now, before you let a lack of effort ‘beat up’ your relationship. You’ll be glad you did!!