What exactly is the right choice?

How do we know, do we ever know, for ourselves, let alone for someone else?

What exactly is the right choice?

Recently, and old friend of mine wrote asking for some advice. It seems her daughter’s boyfriend is talking seriously about joining the Marines. The daughter has been accepted to a great college out of state, the young man was seeing (or she thought he was seeing) his relationship with her daughter slipping away and she felt he’d decided to join the Marines in response.

She was visualizing the young man coming home in a body bag; she cares for him and wants him to be well. Obviously she was concerned about him.

I really didn’t know what to tell her. Those of you who know me, know, that my being at a loss for words, well, it’s a pretty rare occurrence!!

On one hand, I have to admire his courage, patriotism and valor, just for considering enlisting (especially in the Marines!) at a time when our nation is involved in a war, more than one actually, instead of looking elsewhere for a ‘change’.

If it weren’t for young men like him, and the ones before him over the last 200 years, this nation wouldn’t be what, or where, it is today.

On the other hand, to many, this young man’s decision just seems plain foolish. I can understand that as well, having made a similar decision at one point in my life, I certainly got my share of “Are you NUTS?!?!?” comments at the time myself.

I thought about what she’d written, the situation overall and yet found myself with very little actual advice.

I reminded her that, at a similar age, I’d decided to enlist. I never really consider ‘dying’ as any part of my decision process then. I was nineteen, indestructible, immortal, a veritable superman of a human being, death and dying was not any part, of any of my decision processes back then. I doubt they’re any part of his either.

I also reminded her that, she and I would never have met had I not enlisted. (We met at a “Welcome Home” party a few of my friends had after I got out of Boot Camp) That while the military turned out not to be for me, it remains a huge crossroad point in my life. An experience that truly changed me, in many ways, mostly (in the end) for the better and one that while you couldn’t pay me enough to repeat it, you also couldn’t buy the experience for any amount of money either.

One of the things she’d mentioned was that she felt strongly he was doing this because of a perceived fracture in his relationship with her daughter, once she started college. I reminded her that back in the day; I used to make a 24 hour (roundtrip) road trip to spend just 18 hours with her. I went on to say that I thought a college kid should be able to find a way to get to the daughter’s new school, fairly regularly, and be able to spend much more than 18 hours each trip. I’m a big believer in the old “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” sort of reasoning.

The most important piece of advice I gave her though (at least I think so) is that no one gets to decide for another what the ‘right’ course of action is. We make our choices, and take our chances. That if this young man has his heart set on becoming a Marine, he’s going to become a Marine, and the best thing she can do is to support his decision.

Sure, you want to do what you can to be sure he’s thought it through, carefully weighed his options (as in what happened to his school plans?) and isn’t making this choice simply because he wants ‘a change’. In the end though, are you doing that for him, or in an attempt to alleviate your own fears?

I also mentioned that with this (I’m assuming unexpected) turn in his ‘future picture’, he’s probably feeling a little adrift, without direction, maybe a little less centered, and believes the military will provide the direction he seeks. Make no mistake about it, the military will definitely provide him direction, the important thing for him, is to determine if it’s a direction he wants for himself.

While I understand her concern for this young man, I do think she’s over-reacting, just a bit. I don’t know what the actual odds are, but I’m willing to wager that the odds of any young man in America making it to say age 24 are statistically about the same, regardless of their joining, or not joining, a military unit.

In fact a little ‘Googling’ led me to the following:

“Between ages 15 and 24 years, men are four to five times more likely to die than women. This time frame coincides with the onset of puberty and an increase in reckless and violent behavior in males. Researchers refer to it as a "testosterone storm." Most deaths in this male group come from motor vehicle accidents, followed by homicide, suicide, cancer, and drowning.” “After age 24, the difference between male and female mortality narrows until late middle age. In the 55- to 64-year-old range, more men than women die, due mainly to heart disease, suicide, car accidents, and illnesses related to smoking and alcohol use.”

At: Harvard

I've done quite a bit of reading, since getting her note, about male mortality rates, life expectancy and so on. In none of the statistics I read was military service listed as a leading cause of death in males under the age of 24. Statistically, he’s got less of a chance of dying as a result of being in the military, and a far greater risk of dying because he’s in a car, driving to visit his girlfriend.

So, in the end, I’m not sure I helped at all, or if my thoughts were really much in the way of advice. I’d personally support his decision, or anyone’s for that matter, to join the military, provided they truly felt it was the right thing for them to do. I’d want him to be sure he knew “why” he was signing up, but once I felt he had thought it through, I’d fully support him. Hell, the truth is I’d support him even if I thought it was the wrong decision. Kids need to make mistakes, it’s how they learn, and we adults, while we try to guide them, are really supposed to just help them back up when they fall.

I guess it’s like getting married, buying a house, or making any other major life decision. You’d hope a person would think it through, weigh the options and attempt to make the best possible choice. The truth is though, with most of us, for most of our decisions, we simply do what ‘feels right’ to us, and no amount of rational, or irrational, arguments from someone else are likely to alter our decision.

So, what would you have told her to do? What advice would you have given? Should she try and talk him out of signing up? At what point does her concern become ‘interference’? I'd really like to know your thoughts!!

Technorati Tags: Decisions - Choices - Military - Changes
-IceRocket Tags: Decisions - Choices - Military - Changes